Kai Shiranui (Done)

[Shiranui]

Name:
Kai Shiranui

Age:
12

Gender:
Female

Village:
Kumogakure

Rank:
Genin

Nature Manipulation:
Raiton

Appearance:

Kai has short blue hair with a bang that points straight up and curls at the top. This bang wags whenever she is happy, and droops whenever she is sad. Her eyes are big and a reddish brown color and are bright and shiny. Her skin is pale though that is normal for someone who lives in a almost constant shade of clouds. She is always smiling and laughing which gives her face a carefree demeanor. She has two studs in her ears which she will never remove from her ears as they were a gift from her father.

She is always seen wearing her academy uniform though she has modified it to look 'sexier'. She has cropped the top of the shirt to show off what she calls her 'mega cleavage'. Though she is flat chested she has a bad case of denial. She also wears a very frilly skirt that she has shortened, which causes the skirt to blow in the wind. Because of this she is often wearing bright colored spanks so that her panties aren't showing. She wears knee high socks and boots.

Personality:
Kai is intelligent and witty and holds and intimate knowledge of the ninja world as well as traps and seals. As she has been studying in these things since before she went to the academy. Although her mother is extremely wealthy she acts differently than any other rich kid. She much rather live off her own means becoming a ninja in the process. She much rather live in her tricked out hideout within Kumo instead of her home.

Kai believes that she is extremely sexy. She modifies all her clothes to show off her sexiness. Although most men would agree that she is quite cute and adorable they would point out that she is too flat chested and too young to be sexy. for the most part she is in complete denial. Even going so far as to say she has "mega cleavage" and lashes out against anyone who says otherwise. Though when a female with actual big breast appears she becomes jealous and defensive and finds a way to bring everything back to breast.

Although relatively calm and mature when a situation calls for it Kai is usually upbeat and giddy. she also teases and flirts with everyone around her.

Jutsu:
Wanajutsu- A new form of Ninjutsu that utilizes setting traps that can be exploited by luring your opponent into them, by using many differing diversions and instigations to allow her to successfully trap her opponent and set them up for better attacks. Kai uses many things to set up her traps like ninja wire, seals, chakra, and his own body.

All basic Academy jutsu

WanaJutsu

[/u]
E
D
Wanajutsu: Kumoamimono (Trap Technique: Spider Web)[cannot be used atm]
Wanajutsu: Shishi Kuchi (Trap Technique: Lion Mouth)[cannot be used atm]
C
Wanajutsu: Jibashi (Trap Technique: Electromagnetic Murder)[cannot be used atm]
Wanajutsu: Raijin Ori (Trap Technique: Thunder God's Cage)[cannot be used atm]
B
A
S
[/center]

Cannon Jutsu

[/u]
E
D
Lightning Illusion Flash of Lightning Pillar
C
Attack Prevention Technique
Lightning Release: Wave of Inspiration
B
A
Hiding with Camouflage Technique
S
[/center]
__________________________

History:
Kai whom likes to be referred to by her last name Shiranui was born 12 years ago. She was not born into any special ninja clan, with special ninja powers. Actually none of her family members have ever been ninja; however they were pretty smart and often helped ninja with their work. She came from a long line of inventors and scientist. Her family was considered some of the most intellectual minds that had ever lived in Kumo. This was the family she was born into and from the start it seemed as if she would fit right in. She was smart that could tell that before she would even talk, she developed means to communicate as well as tinkering, and creating.

During the academy is when her family first started to figure out that she may be a little different than the rest of them. Her family though not ninja made a habit of entering the ninja academy to better understand the clients that they will usually be working with, however Shiranui developed a love for the life that she seen through her studies. She decided that she would become the first member in her family to become a ninja. She spent the remainder of her academy researching and studying seals and ninja tools, her grades reflected this as most of the teachers thought she would never amount to being a ninja, and that she had not received the smarts the rest of her family had. Also she got in trouble a lot for not paying attention and doing her own thing in class. However when the time came to take the passing test she passed easily, which shocked her teachers.

Once she became a Genin her father though disappointed that she would not follow in his footsteps gave her the earrings she now wears to show his pride, this would be the last thing her father ever gave her as he soon became sick and died. She spent the last remaining months of her father’s life by his side learning from him everything he knew, she found out that like her, her father had wanted to become a ninja though he never had much talent for it. He did however manage to teach her the only jutsu he did know. These are the only four jutsu she knows besides the academy jutsu. She is now a new genin with a lot to prove.

RP Sample:
Kai sat alone in her room with hundreds of kunai and shuriken spread out on the floor where she slept. She found this old building a few years ago and asked if she could use it for herself. Due to the building being old and on the edge of Kumo she was being allowed to use it as her base and training field while she created her new fighting style. She sat in the main office of what used to be the academy making her lion’s head shuriken and Kunai. She had always been god at tinkering and has now made a way to incorporate that with how she fights. This was a part of her that only few get to see, the part of her that was serious and studious and not laughing or joking or making witty remarks. As she stayed up all night the sun begun to peak out of the sky and there lay three lion mouth’s made of kunai and shuriken “time to train now”.

Notes:
None

[Masami Saito]

I claim this profile as mine to review. The review should be up by later tonight.

[Masami Saito]

Name: Fine.

Age: Fine.

Gender: Fine.

Village: Fine.

Rank: Fine.

Nature Manipulation: Fine.

Appearance: While I think the whole thing about her bang changing its behavior based on her emotional state doesn't make a whole lot of sense, and belongs in more of a light-hearted universe than that of Naruto, this IS Anime we're talking about, so I can't exactly voice much of an objection. Fine.

Personality: Had a few areas here that I'd like looked over:

1) “she acts differently than any other rich kid.” - That's definitely a gross exaggeration. If there's one thing I hate, it's using hyperbole simply because it makes defining something easier. Every single rich kid in the world doesn't act in a certain way. Certainly, you can draw from the stereotype that might be associated with someone that has money, but you're talking from something of an omniscient point of view here, so be objective.

2) I'll voice my concerns with the “tricked out hideout” in the RP section.

3) To be perfectly honest, I'm not a fan of the whole “trying to be sexy” aspect of her character. It seems as if it could come off somewhat shallow if it's not played right. I'd probably need to see an example to make a clear judgment call, but it could either be hilarious or it could be another anime fan forcing a young girl into a schoolgirl's outfit. I PRAY that it doesn't end up as the latter. My mind would be more at ease if you could flesh out this part of her character a bit more, maybe add a sample of that part of her personality to your sample?


Jutsu: While I'm not the best with jutsu, and as such will be making certain the others are acceptable with Shouten while you make these modifications, I know for certain that I cannot allow you to have “Hiding with Camouflage Technique”. It is A-Rank, and we only allow our Genin to have C-Rank and lower jutsu, so as to maintain canon.
__________________________

History: Once more, a few problems:

1) It doesn't really sound right to me that members of her family are allowed to attend the academy if there is no HOPE that any of them are going to become ninja. I understand that your reasoning for this is that they aid in the fight based on the technology they develop, however, I feel as if those who ENTER the academy are to be ninja when the graduate, and the village wouldn't just allow someone to take up time and resources when all they're doing is observing. You can say that the family spends time OBSERVING students, seeing how they grow, and watching how skillful ninja operate, however, her entering the academy when it's a known fact that she won't be contributing to the village's forces doesn't fly with me.

2) “She spent the remainder of her academy researching and studying seals and ninja tools, her grades reflected this as most of the teachers thought she would never amount to being a ninja, and that she had not received the smarts the rest of her family had. “ That line doesn't make sense to me. If she spent a lot of her time studying things that involve being a ninja, and her grades reflected that, then her teachers would think HIGHLY of her, given her work ethic. To fix this, you'd either need to say that her grades DIDN'T reflect her work, or that the teachers approved of her. This could just be the result of general problems with grammar, syntax, et cetera.

3) In the last paragraph, you talk about her father being “disappointed”, but then make mention that he wanted to become a ninja when he was younger, and never got to live out that dream. Why, then, is he disappointed in her? Did he grow over time to love his work as a researcher? Is he disappointed simply because it's conventional for her to go into the family business? Did you just write the beginning of the first paragraph before deciding to add that plot twist about her father in at the end, and never reread? Make it make sense.

4) If her father never had much talent for being a ninja, what he had to teach her would be incredibly limited. Even if your jutsu were accepted, I don't know if I'd approve of having a man who was never a talented ninja, and never worked AS a ninja, teach them to her. But then, maybe if you fix the jutsu, I could work out how it would make sense.

RP Sample: Again, here I'd really like to see you give us a sample that shows what you're planning to do with the character. For example, when I wrote the profile for my gag character, I made sure that the sample showed exactly what I was going to do with the character, so that the reviewer could see where I was coming from, and new I could execute it. I don't know that you can execute this “trying to be sexy” part of her personality in a way that wouldn't be more disturbing than funny. As your reviewer, I'm asking you to instill faith in me in regards to your ability to do so.

Also, I don't know about this hideout of her's. Who gave the hideout to her? Even if the building was old, why is she important enough to receive an entire hideout of her own just because? It would be a better use of land to just knock the crumbling building down and build something useful on it than to make it some kid's plaything. Explain it better, and in a way that makes sense, or take it out.

Notes: Fine.

Overall, this app has potential, you just need to show me that you can pull off what you're requesting. Also, overall grammar NEEDS to be looked at. Read through your profile and make sure everything sounds good to you OUT LOUD, because at times I was reading and knew what you wanted to say, but other times I had to make a best guess. If you have no idea where the problem areas are, feel free to PM me and I'll generate a list as soon as I can. I reserve the right to add anything that I did not list here to future reviews, if something strikes me then that did not strike me this time.

Thanks, -Roren

[Shiranui]

doesn't act like any other rich kid cause all people act differently also most people would use their money she doesn't its an actual statement of fact as well as a hyperbole

her trying to be sexy is simply the outfits she wears and becoming upset when people point out her flat chest nothing more and its not a big part of her personality just a little quirk everyone has one this is hers

I didn't see the rank requirement within the rules so I assumed if she had a good reason than it would be ok if not I will delete the camouflage and learn it IC

its obviously not a known fact that she won't be becoming a ninja as she did become a ninja however most of her family (like her father are untalented in the ninja arts and have used their knowledge to better the ninja world) the family just assumes the family members are not going to have talent though it is possible as in Kai's case that they will.

though she was studying she was studying what she wanted to study and not the material given to her also she was not paying attention in class because all she was doing was studying what she wanted to learn and that is it she didn't do school work or anything else

he is disappointed that she won't be following in his footsteps but proud that she would one day be a ninja

the jutsu are not super impressive and there were only four he spent his life trying to be a ninja and only managed four jutsu I would say that is untalented but like I said go through the jutsu and any you think are too much than I will delete

her family is important and create many things of value her intelligence was noted when she took the genin test and passing even though it seemed she was not paying attention in class, when someone smart from a family of inventors ask for an old and unused building in order to create a new and effective way to fight I personal think one would give that person a chance but that could be me

also the trying to be sexy thing is just a small personality quirk and will probably rarely ever show up plus what I intend for her is to create a new form of fighting which I think I have shown quite nicely

[Masami Saito]

I'll go through these point by point.


1) Either you're trying to beat around the bush in an attempt to defend your poor choice in describing her, or you need to understand that such obvious statements need not be said. Yes, everyone here understands that rich people are not automatons that all act like one another, and that there is some individual difference. However, the very fact that you referred to the entire group as "rich kids" is a generalization. It's quite a simple fix, just a matter of rewording, so rather than type a post arguing with me, you could just modify your original.

2) See the final point, where I address this apparent “small” part of her personality.

3) The rank requirement can be found in the FAQ thread, found here. Understand that learning an A-rank jutsu IC is going to take a VERY long time. Don't expect to make just any thread and learn it.

4) From what I gather, you're saying that it's not so much that the family CHOOSES not to be ninja, but rather that they never have the skill to graduate. While it's still shaky with me, if you properly represent it to me IN YOUR APPLICATION, and not by responding to this with some long rebuttal, then I may consider it.

5) That clears that issue up somewhat. Fix your application so that's clear. That also goes along with just having clear grammar overall.

6) This part makes even less sense to me when you consider what you said about the family above. At least when I thought the family was choosing not to graduate, I figured he might be disappointed because she chose a different path than he, like when the son of a doctor chooses to become a writer or something of that nature. However, when the father wanted to become a ninja, but never had the skill, and instead had to opt for his second choice, you'd think that he'd be proud, not disappointed, of his daughter. You hear all the time of parents trying to live vicariously through their children. Why would he not say "that's my girl", when it was his dream to begin with, and he can completely understand why she's taking advantage of her natural talent? Change that to make sense, or take it out of the application.

7) Performing any sort of jutsu isn't exactly cake. Now, if you'd said he learned those C-rank jutsu after years upon years upon years of practice, maybe THEN I'd consider approving it. However, an A-rank jutsu is just a bit ridiculous. I mean, there's a reason we're not even letting skilled Genin have A-ranked jutsu, with exceptions for canon.

8) She's twelve years old. I'm not trying to sound like a jerk or anything, but when a 12 year old, regardless of her status as a prodigy, just asks for some abandoned building, everyone except the most out of touch with reality are going to answer with a resounding "no". It's kind of common sense here, and I don't think you could come up with an argument that would make it sound practical, not that that's a challenge.

9) You say it's a small personality quirk, yet it takes up a very large chunk of her profile. If it's so small, why not just mention it in passing? Also, when it comes to this, after thinking on it the entire notion of her trying to act "sexy" makes absolutely no sense. The reason we think of a particular look or figure as sexy has to do not only with innate biological factors, but also with the environment in which we are brought up. In the world of Naruto, it's entirely possible (nay, probable) that they value skill and power the way we in this world value attractiveness. Naruto does make some jokes about it, but his "Sexy no Jutsu" isn't meant to be some sort of commentary on their world. Overall, I have no idea where she'd get the idea that she needs to be sexy, or that she wants others to view her in that way. It doesn't make sense whatsoever. However, I'm going to give you a chance to prove me wrong on this one. If you edit the profile, and make it entirely CLEAR how you're going to implement this factor of her personality, and do this well, then I will approve of it. If you do not do this by the time I"m asked to check the profile next, then I'm going to throw this idea out the window because it doesn't make sense. That sounds fair to me, I'm just asking you to properly represent your character.

______________________

On a final note, I'd like to ask that you don't make another long reply to my reviews. The purpose of the review is not to start some discussion, as I see you've lured Shouten into in your jutsu thread, but rather to give you feedback which you will then attempt to learn from. If you DO have problems with feedback, send a PM to the reviewer, rather than addressing them directly on a public forum. If there's something that needs clarifying, make your application clearer. If there's something that needs fixing, simply fix it on the application. If there's something you think is wrong, THAT'S when you PM the reviewer. In an application thread, there should never really be any reason for you to hit the "reply" button other than to make a new post telling the reviewer the app is ready once more. For all other changes, the "modify" button should suffice.

Thank you, -Roren

[Orochimaru]

if I cannot express my opinion on my own creation than fuck it I don't want it archive it

[Masami Saito]

I'd like to point out that I never prevented you from expressing an opinion, I just asked you to deal privately with me. Regardless, I'll be doing as you request and archiving this.